Too sad for words

My friend Russ died a few days ago.

I don't know why, but I haven't gone though the regular stages of mourning. I wasn't able to experience disbelief because Russ had had a brain tumor for a long time. I just feel really sad about it when I think of him. I learned of his death literally a few minutes before I left for a business trip. So I had a lot of time on that trip to think about him.

Now that I am writing about his death, I'm feeling really sad again. I'm kinda feeling guilty too because while I'm sad for Russ himself and for his family, I'm really quite sad for myself. He was my closest friend in graduate school and I really miss him.

Anyway, I was reflecting about two things about Russ. One was that I was surprised to recall how much he taught me about cooking. Russ and I were housemates for a year and he knew quite a few things about cooking and he passed his knowledge freely to me. I guess the one thing that sticks the most is how he would add sherry to gravies... I still do that. Now it will remind me of him.

The other thing that came to mind was this: fifteen years ago when we were in school, Russ accompanied a friend to their uncle's funeral. I don't recall if this was a girlfriend or just a friend, Russ was that kind of guy. When he got back, he mentioned to me that the funeral hall and the service were packed and it was evident to Russ, who had never met this deceased uncle, that he had touched many people's lives and had been well loved. I don't recall Russ's exact words but he was very moved by this. And he considered his own passing. And I think it really changed his outlook on life by at least a few degrees. He said something to me about there being more to life than work and wanting to make a difference with his life.

Well, Russ's services were packed. I think it was evident that he had touched many peoples' lives and he was well loved. And for that I am grateful, although I am quite, quite sad.